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My wife and I have had some discussions recently about wanting to have another baby. We both have an intense desire to have another child together. We are also afraid. Afraid that if we do get pregnant something will go horribly wrong again. A miscarriage. A birth defect. An unexpected and unexplained event like what happened with Uriah. We don't want to repeat the pain of losing a child. We need to trust the Lord though; He does know what is best. He can give us a healthy child if He so chooses.
One of the things that we've talked about is wondering what other people think about us. Occassionally we catch ourselves talking about other couples/families, questioning something that they are or aren't doing, wondering why they're doing something that doesn't make sense to us, judging them for doing something we don't agree with, etc. It's not our place to judge others though, so we need to be very careful in that area. Anyway, the reason I mention that is because we then wonder if people talk about us, and if so, what do they talk about? We figure if we get pregnant again now some people will question that and think we're doing the wrong thing. We realize it doesn't matter what others think about us. No matter what we do, somebody will disagree. If we get pregnant now, somebody will think we should've waited longer to give my wife's body more time to recover from the previous pregnancy. Somebody else will think we should've never got pregnant again, that we shouldn't take that chance on losing another child. If we wait a year to get pregnant again, someone will think we shouldn't have waited that long, that it was too risky because of my wife's age. If we never get pregnant again someone will think that we're just too scared to try again, and that we don't trust God enough that He could give us a healthy baby. Regardless of what we do people will talk and wonder and question. We need to not worry about it. All we should concern ourselves with is what our hearts' desires are coupled with what we feel God wants us to do.
It wouldn't surprise me if people have already talked about us in regards to Uriah. "It's no wonder God took Uriah from them - he was conceived in sin and God wanted to punish them for it." Yes, Uriah was conceived in sin - adultery. We are ashamed of that, but we confessed our sin to God and He forgave us. Uriah was not a mistake. God knew what He was doing when He conceived Uriah for us. He knew that Uriah would be the push that we both needed to turn our hearts back towards God. I do not believe that He took Uriah from us to punish us.
Regardless of what people may think or say, we are trying to get pregnant again now. We are praying that God will bless us with another child. This child would not be a replacement for Uriah, because Uriah can never be replaced in our hearts. But we do desire another child, another blessing, from the Lord. Would you pray for that with us please?
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Since I first wrote this post late last night (I dragged my feet in posting it!) I have tentatively decided on a new name for my blog. Nevertheless, if you have any suggestions please offer them as I'm not yet fully settled on using the new name. What is the possible new name? You'll find out in my next post. :-)
Appreciated your post and sharing your heart. Hannah probably knows how I'd respond . . . there are no guarantees, but it's worth the risk. I am sure many thought we were nuts having another one after Jessica was born with heart defects - and that baby was born still - then miscarried - and then had four more healthy living children (including the last one born when I was 43 years old). God knows Hannah's body better than any physician. And SO many will pray for both of you. I am so thankful you are sharing openly. Yup - some may talk - but your growth in Jesus comes shining through much stronger.
Trusting God is the most important choice you can possibly make. He will give you the children he intends to if you will allow him to. That's how we got two, eleven months apart! Yes, it could be harder on Hannah's body. But God will give you such awesome blessings for trusting in His plan, and allowing Him to direct your lives according to His will. I will be praying for you both.
Praying earnestly with you. God works in mysterious ways and in spite of ourselves to bring glory to Himself. It is most important the direction you are heading now, not where you used to be. I was almost 43 when Mercy was born.
Jesse, what beautiful, heartfelt writing on this blog. You are absolutely right...we as people talk and judge; I talk, I judge...it is wrong, it is sin. One thing I have learned, especially after Steve's death,is life is way too short to be like that. I PRAY Hannah can get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be scary and involve some worry, but I know for me, my kids are are a blessing beyond words. So I say "Go for it"!!!! Love in Christ, Sue H.
My hubby and I had this very conversation 3 days ago regarding you and Hannah trying again. We both think it is wonderful that you aren't afraid to continue wanting a family together.
If you believe it is in God's hands whether or not you are able to conceive another child, then it will happen whenever he sees fit, not when you do. All you can do is try. Don't give up. I believe it is meant to happen for you.
Jesse,
I have had the very same thoughts you have shared in this post but haven't had the courage to express them on my blog.
After Isabel died, we waited quite a long while to try again and to actually pray as a family for God to give us another child. It took my husband a long time and even expressed "I just can't hold another dead baby" to me one night.
We reasoned that we can't and don't want to run away from God. We can't protect ourselves from pain by not having another baby (also inflicting pain upon us by cutting off that possibility of new joy). If God wanted to teach us something by suffering, he could use any number of things in our life (death of one of our children that we already have or a spouse) to accomplish his will in our lives. We just believed that God is sovereign over ALL things and we WANT His will despite the cost.
Of course, I never in a million years expected it to happen again. We could not believe it when we found out.
I am 42 now and it has been so painful to see these last precious years of fruitfulness pass by, trying so hard to add more children to our family and yet it feels to all be in vain.
The age factor is scary. We talked to our perinatologist and a genetic counselor. They both have encouraged us to try again. That Isabel and Samuel's conditions were independent of each other and both just random occurances. We know there are no random occurances in God's world.
I feel guilty. What is wrong with me? What am I doing to these babies? Can what I do alter God's will? He is sovereign, but can't we screw things up? I wonder all of this all the time. It's tiring. That's why God is telling me to wait patiently.
We wonder what would happen if we tried and lost yet ANOTHER baby? What would people do or think? Would they stone us? It's hard because it's such a public display of our deepest hurts. Everyone knows what has happened to us. And everyone has an opinion of what we should do, maybe what we did wrong, etc.
When we finally began to pray as a family for another baby after Isabel, we involved the children. They would say, "Lord, please give us another baby? or Please send Mama and Papa another baby that would live and not die?" It was sweet. I know other homeschooling families were praying for us too. You would think that everything would work out...but sometimes it doesn't. (according to our mind)
It's hard to understand why God allows some things. But what is the alternative? Where else will we go? No one else has the words of life. In the end, we have to believe that this was God's will for us. I would rather believe God and live.
God is the giver of life. He made a woman's body and it seems that as long as she is fertile, God is saying something.
I hope I haven't discouraged you. I know our story is discouraging! We are still very afraid to try again. I so wanted that happy ending.
God writes different stories. Trusting wholeheartily on the Lord is always a good thing.
Love the name Uriah. It's truly beautiful. And I'm so sorry you and Hannah had to lose him. We'll be praying that God will bless you with another baby (or two).
;o)