Winter has set in here in western-central Michigan. 21 degrees outside right now, and the corn stove is having a hard time keeping up. Temperature in the house is in the low 60's - nice and chilly. Chilly, anyway - not so nice, really. It's supposed to get down to 1 degree overnight tonight, so I'm sure the furnace will be kicking on some. We have the thermostat up to 64 today so the furnace kicks on whenever the corn stove can't keep the temp up to 64.

I am going to start writing about random childhood memories of mine here on my blog. My perception of my collection of childhood memories is that I remember much less of my childhood than most people do. I have a few scattered memories of various times and places, but for the most part my childhood is a complete blank in my mind. My mom suggested that perhaps it is because so much of my childhood was uneventful - not much to remember, in other words. Perhaps that is part of it. I suspect a larger part of it is that I have narcolepsy, and all narcoleptics seem to suffer from memory issues of one sort of another.

Since I first started thinking about my childhood memories, or lack thereof, I've discovered that I do remember more than I initially thought. However the memories aren't all readily available in my mind. They come to me randomly throughout the days and weeks and leave just as quickly. So in an effort to document them so I don't forever forget them I'm going to start writing about them in my blog. Hopefully others will find them interesting and won't be bored to tears by them.

It is also worth noting that the memories I will be sharing are only as accurate as my memory is - meaning some of what I share might never have actually happened, or might have happened rather differently than how I am explaining it.

The first memory I will share is an "imagined" one. I am quite sure this actually happened, but parents and siblings have both told me they have no recollection of this ever happening, thus I must have dreamed or imagined it. We've discussed this many times over the years, and to this day I still can't help but wonder if they really do remember this happening but will never tell me because it's rather humorous for me to have this "fake" memory.

I think I was between the ages of 4 and 7 at the time. It happened when our parents were taking us kids out west to visit our grandparents (Mom's parents). They lived in Wyoming, I think it was, and so we flew out to an airport in a neighboring state (Utah? I think?) and our grandparents picked us up from the airport and drove us back to their place. I remember the car ride back seemed to take a rather long time. Anyway, Dad wasn't able to fly out with us. I think it was due to obligations at work. We flew out ahead of him and the plan was that he would follow on a later flight, probably the next day, and bring our dog, Ginger, with him. He did arrive safely at some point after we did, and I remember him telling us about a scare they had on the flight over. The pilot had been flying *way* too low in the dark nightime skies and narrowly avoided colliding with a radio tower, thanks to the flashing light on top of it. After hearing that, we were VERY thankful that Dad had arrived safely!!

So there it is. The first childhood memory on my blog. And it's something that apparently never even happened (the part about Dad's plane almost colliding with a radio tower). I remember it quite well however!

I am really struggling to stay awake today. I haven't taken my Xyrem either of the last two nights and it's really affecting me today. I've stayed up too late the last two nights, and set my alarm to wake up and take the Xyrem approximately two hours after going to bed each night. Most nights I can fit in about 3 hours of regular sleep before waking up to take my single Xyrem dose - which gives me another 4 hours of sleep. Well, it seems that two hours into my regular sleep I'm sleeping so soundly that I don't really wake up when my Xyrem alarm goes off. Last night I finally woke up about an hour after my alarm started going off. I could have taken the Xyrem then still, but I chose not to because then I would have slept in an hour later than I wanted to. I'm regretting that choice now because of how tired I am. I just want to lay my head down and go to sleep! I'm working from home so I could probably get away with it, but it would be rather unethical so I'm not going to.

(Edit: Okay, apparently Plinky doesn't include the question with your answer - the question that this post is an answer to is: "If you were drafted into the military but could pick your branch, which would you choose?")

(This is the first time I've made a blog post with the help of this Plinky site - I may do it again if I see another Plinky prompt that interests me.)

I love airplanes. I've been dreaming of flying since my childhood days. If I was in the AIr Force the odds that I'd be a pilot are probably ridiculously low, but I'd like to think that I'd have somewhat decent odds of being assigned some job that involved airplanes (fighter jets or otherwise) on some level. That's why I would choose the Air Force.

Every now and then during my late teenage years I considered joining the military. Part of the appeal to me was the adventure that I thought was inherent in any military duty. Another aspect that appealed to me was that of serving one's country. The main reason why I considered military service is because I figured the military could whip me into shape. I've always been underweight and out of shape and never put any serious effort into changing either of those. I'd sort of try, but would give up way too easily when I didn't see quick results. I figured the military probably wouldn't help me gain any weight, but they'd at least force me to get into shape!

I chickened out though. I didn't think I'd make it through basic training (and that would be downright humiliating!), and even more than that I couldn't bring myself to talk to my parents about it. I really liked computer work so I figured I might as well just get a job in the computer field - which I did.

It has been exactly two months since my last post. Time to get this blog moving again!

~~~

I'm still taking Xyrem every night for my narcolepsy. A single dose each night is enough to control my daytime sleepiness rather effectively. Taking the instructed two doses each night would be even better, but as expensive as Xyrem is I just can't bring myself to do that. I can stretch a one-month supply of Xyrem into two months when I only take one dose a night, and that makes the cost a little more bearable.

I'm still amazed at how well the Xyrem works. I haven't taken any of my stimulant drugs (Ritalin/methylphenidate) for over two months now. Two months!!! I used to be heavily dependent on them to just get through each day, and now I don't even need them! Xyrem truly is amazing!

~~~

I've been underweight for as long as I can remember - pretty much just skin and bones. I've generally disliked being underweight and would occassionally put some effort into gaining weight, but never had any success. I had more or less convinced myself that it was impossible for me to gain any weight, no matter what I did or tried. A couple of months ago my fiancee really encouraged me to try again and to put serious effort into it this time. She said to strive to eat more food at each meal, and eat more often between meals too. I started doing that and before long my weight started to creep up, ever so slowly. I started out around 121 pounds. After a few weeks of stuffing myself with food I reached my first target weight - 125 pounds. I was very happy! I kept working at it and got to 127 pounds - and then slacked off quite a bit in my efforts and hovered around 127-128 for several weeks. I recently started working at it a little more and my weight is slowly climbing again. My next target weight was 130 pounds, and I thought for sure I would see 130 on the scale this morning, but alas, I was just shy of the mark, weighing in at 129.5 pounds. I've been working on eating a lot today and am really hoping to see it pay off tomorrow morning when I weigh myself.

The downside to all of this is that since I've been eating a lot more my stomach presumably stretched itself out and it takes more food to fill me up now, and I get hungrier much more quickly and frequently than before as well. If I loved to eat food this wouldn't be a problem, but I don't love to eat food so being hungry so much is rather irritating. I know I shouldn't complain - thousands of people would love to have the problem I do - difficulty gaining weight.

Over the last few days I was noticing my daytime sleepiness returning to an ever-increasing extent. It hadn't reached the point of being a severe problem yet - for example, I had not fallen asleep while driving or at work - but it was definitely hampering my ability to function mentally. I had difficulty concentrating on my work and found that all too often what was running through my mind was, "I'm tired...I wish I could take a nap...I just want to sleep right now." It's difficult to pay proper attention to work any other task when you keep thinking about being tired.

Yesterday morning was no different in that regard - I was quite tired and doing a very poor job of staying on task at work. I had plans to meet a former colleague for lunch. It had been five to six years since we had last been in touch, so I didn't want to show up half-asleep and looking dazed. I decided I had better take some of my stimulants to ensure I would be awake enough for our lunch, so I took 10mg around 11:30. Thankfully it was enough to wake me up and our lunch went very well. We talked for quite some time, caught up on each other's personal and professional lives, and made plans to stay in touch. Late in the afternoon, after returning to work, I took another 10mg because I was getting very sleepy again and wanted to make sure I would be alert enough for the drive home. A few months ago when I was completely dependent on my stimulant meds, taking a single 10mg dose would have had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. Apparently the long drug holiday from the stimulants lessened my body's resistance to them.

Last night I took a single dose of Xyrem. I was hoping to take both doses but it didn't work out. I had to get up at 6am to get ready for work, and I didn't make it to bed until about 10:45pm. I set my alarm for 2am to take the second dose, since that is the latest I can take it and still get up at 6am. I sort of woke up when the alarm went off, but immediately laid back down without taking my second dose, and next thing I knew it was 3:15am and way too late to take it. So from 3:15am until 5:30am I laid in bed, tossing and turning and getting very little sleep - maybe an hour at most during that time. Of course right around 5:30am I suddenly got really tired and could have slept for hours, except I had to get up for work at 6. And, I didn't really sleep all that well during the Xyrem phase either - I woke up several times during the first part of the night while drugged. As a result today I was extremely tired. I made it into work okay, but as soon as I got to work I started having a lot of trouble staying awake. I took 20mg of stimulants and after about half an hour wasn't noticing any difference at all so I took another 10mg. Finally about another half an hour later they finally started to kick in and I've been doing fairly well since then. I'm expecting I'll have to take some more shortly though.

I ordered my next shipment of Xyrem yesterday also. It's supposed to arrive tomorrow. I just can't get over how ridiculously expensive the stuff is!! My final copay (after insurance and the pharmacy's copay assistance program) is roughly $410. And that's for just a single month's supply of the medication. I've discovered that I can still get the benefits of the drug by taking it at a reduced dosage or just one time a night, so I can stretch the supply out for about two-and-a-half months. It's still crazy expensive though.

...well, the first phase of it anyway.

It began late in the day on the 3rd of July, and ended shortly before noon today, the 14th of July.

The experiment was to see how well I could function off of both of my narcolepsy medications - methylphenidate (aka Ritalin) and Xyrem. I had expected to make it only two or three days, but today was the 11th day. I took 10mg of methylphenidate shortly before noon today and other 10mg just a few minutes ago. That's a far cry from the 90-100mg I was taking daily not too long ago.

I'll post more details about how the last few days have been later on.

-I made it through the day without taking any of my stimulant meds. Earlier in the afternoon it was looking increasingly like I would have to take some of them (see previous post), but it never got bad enough to push me into taking any methylphenidate. It's a little after 11:30pm now and while I am a bit sleepy I'm still awake and alert enough to try to put together a blog post. Seven days now without taking any Xyrem or methylphenidate. I don't understand it but I sure am happy about it!

Since I stopped taking my Xyrem exactly one week ago I've been averaging about 7-8 hours of sleep each night. For the last couple of days I've been wondering if getting a lesser amount of sleep would be the trigger that would set off my severe EDS again. I didn't purposely set out to test this last night and today, but it worked out that way just the same. After work last night I went over to a friend's place and hung out for a couple of hours. We hadn't really talked or hung out at all in at least a couple of years so it was good to catch up on how each other has been doing. Anyway, as a result I didn't make it home until a few hours later than I usually do on a work night. And then when I got home I had a couple of things to take care of, and then I decided to stay up a little later and do some things online and read a little bit. So by the time I actually laid down to go to sleep it was midnight or a little later. I woke up at 6 when my alarm went off, and then laid in bed for the next 45 minutes waking up and dozing off every few minutes as my alarms repeated waking me up. Altogether I got probably 6 hours of good sleep last night. Today I have at times been sleepier than I've been all week. About half an hour ago I was on the verge of taking some of my stimulants, but I decided to wait a bit longer and the sleepiness subsided somewhat. I want to feel awake and function but I soooo do not want to take my stimulants. So I'm going to try to make it through the rest of the day without them. I don't know if I'm going to make it though. I can feel the sleepiness starting to return now. It's nowhere near as severe as it used to be - not yet, anyway - but it is definitely there to a lesser extent.

I was diagnosed with narcolepsy in 2003.

Well, I've made it to the end of yet another work day. No stimulants today. 5th day off of Xyrem. I did notice some more difference throughout the day in my level of sleepiness. It definitely appears to be returning to its old ways - ever so slowly.

Adding to the uncertainty of all of this is the fact that I am starting to slip back into being depressed about life in general. I know depression can cause a person to feel tired and sleepy and fatigued, so I suppose there's even the possibility that the sleepiness I'm noticing now is from being depressed and not from my Xyrem-free/stimulant-free body. Who knows. I don't think I'm all that depressed yet, so I'm fairly certain it is the N/IH and not depression. Time will tell.

I'm tired of feeling guilty.

I got a little more sleep last night - almost 7 hours. I noticed a difference when waking up this morning - I had a harder time waking up than I have been. This is pretty significant. Before I started taking Xyrem, waking up in the morning - or any other time - was an enormous struggle. My body would constantly be fighting me and trying to fall back asleep. I'd set multiple alarms for staggered times and either sleep right through them or turn them off in my sleep. Or I'd wake up just enough to hear the alarm and turn it off and then immediately fall back asleep. Trying to wake up was like trying to fight off a drugged state of sleep before the drugs have worn off. Once the Xyrem started helping me, I would wake up in the morning and actually feel relatively awake and I didn't have to worry about falling back asleep and fighting to stay awake. It was such a bizarre feeling for me at first. I got used to it pretty quickly though. This morning I was quickly falling back asleep after my alarms went off (still using a couple of staggered alarms, just to be safe). I wasn't as bad as I used to be, nowhere near like that. Each time I woke up enough that I think I would have been able to stay awake had I willed myself into doing so. I didn't want to though - I woke up feeling rather depressed, the bed was comfortable and warm, the room temperature was chilly, and I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. So I allowed myself to succumb to the sleepiness for about 45 minutes, waking up enough to hit snooze every few minutes, before finally making myself get out of bed and stay awake.

I didn't have any problems on the drive in to work. Since arriving at work I've been sleepy here and there, and a couple of times I've caught myself with my eyes closed, nearing the point of dozing off. So it would seem that with every passing day I'm getting closer and closer to the full-blown EDS symptoms of the past. I'm interested to see how the rest of this day goes.

It has now been 5 nights since I last took Xyrem. Last night I only got about 6 hours of sleep, because I stayed up later than I should have watching a couple of episodes of America's Got Talent and reading a few more pages of the book I'm currently reading. I have made it to the end of the workday today without taking any of my stimulant meds. I was quite sleepy during the day on a few occassions, and I considered taking my stimulant meds a couple of those times, but didn't actually take them. None of my sleepy episodes were anywhere near as bad as they used to get - and that was while I was taking a high amount of stimulants! I don't understand why my EDS (Excessive Daytime Sleepiness) hasn't reared its ugly head yet. The first two days off Xyrem didn't surprise me too much. I figured it would take a couple of days for my body to revert back to its old ways. But I expected it would happen gradually and noticeably and that by the 4th day I would really be struggling. It's not happening that way. The optimist in me is hoping I can continue this way for much longer - days or weeks, even. And the pessimist in me is expecting it to all come crashing down on the next day - expecting that I'll have to pump myself full of stimulants to stay awake and function during the day. We shall see!

I guess posting from my phone doesn't work so well after all.

I wonder if I'm seeing ghosts. Not the shadowy white variety that float through the air, scaring some people and thrilling others, but the mental variety that trick you into believing things that are not real.

Recently I've developed some level of distrust in my newest relationship. I can't seem to put my finger on why this is - if she's given me reason to distrust her, or if - and I think this is more likely - it has to do with the fact that I was not remotely trustworthy at the end of my previous relationship. I know what I was capable of, and so I imagine everyone else is capable of the same things I did. I don't like feeling this way and I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying to get back to completely trusting her. I think the reason I hate the distrust so much is because of the ghosts. Without complete trust it is easy to imagine things, to imagine alternate reasons for actions and words, reasons that feed into that mistrust and elevate and magnify it. My mind can be my worst enemy at times, convincing me of all sorts of negative things that usually end up being untrue.

When I left home this morning I departed as an uncaring, cold-hearted, selfish, lying, adulterous, evil person. In the wee hours of the night/morning, in between sobs that consumed her entire being, the woman I love informed me that she thoroughly hates me and every fiber of my being and vowed that as long as she lives she will never, ever forgive me for what I have done to her. And she isn't even aware yet of the "adulterous" aspect. In this life I appear to be a genuinely bad person. My actions and inactions have been bad. I did not consciously realize the effects of my actions for the space of several years, but does that really matter? I have noone to blame that on besides myself. I didn't consciously set out to damage and hurt the woman I love, but I did it just the same so am I not just as responsible as if I had done it intentionally? Years of words of mine not reinforced by actions have caused heavy damage on a woman who had already suffered far more physical and emotional abuse than anyone should ever have to endure, both from a parent and a former spouse. She told me that she doesn't think she can make it through this latest round and come out okay on the other side. Because of me.


When I arrive home this evening it will be as a loving, caring, unselfish, and generally decent person. The woman I love will be excited to see me, as will I be to see her. We plan on spending the rest of ours lives together, as we are so deeply in love and we make each other so happy. In this life I appear to be a genuinely good person. I have learned from my many mistakes, and I am adamant about not allowing myself to repeat them. The future looks very bright and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life with my love.


I wouldn't recommend leading a double-life to anyone. You hurt people you love, and you stress your poor brain out in the process.


My biggest mental dilemma right now? Trying to figure out which of these two people is the real me. Surely they can't both be the real me. Can they? I feel like the person I am in the second life is the real me. I feel like myself in this life. I look back at how I've acted in the first life and hate the way I've lived that life. I haven't felt like myself in that life for quite some time...but I did nothing to get out of it or change myself. How can I possibly be a good person if my actions in my first life have caused so much pain and hurt? That is the question I must find an answer to. It does not help knowing that before all is said and done in my first life I will be hurting the woman I love again - possibly quite deeply. I do not want to do this, but my actions that led to my second life now require it.

I've made a rather large mess out of my life. I just want everyone to be okay and to be happy, in spite of what I've done. If only I would have learned from some of my mistakes years ago, instead of months ago.

...at me, right now. I claim to be a fairly intelligent person, but I just found out that I made a massively stupid decision not too long ago - one that will have very long-lasting consequences. Some good, some bad. Seems more bad than good right now. I'm sure my thinking will change as I learn to accept the consequences of my actions. Still in a bit of shock at the moment.

Edit: Clarification - the consequences seem mostly bad right now purely because of the timing of this decision/action. Ultimately, I think the consequences will be simply amazing and I'm going to try to approach my acceptation of this in that light. Sorry for being so cryptic.