When I left home this morning I departed as an uncaring, cold-hearted, selfish, lying, adulterous, evil person. In the wee hours of the night/morning, in between sobs that consumed her entire being, the woman I love informed me that she thoroughly hates me and every fiber of my being and vowed that as long as she lives she will never, ever forgive me for what I have done to her. And she isn't even aware yet of the "adulterous" aspect. In this life I appear to be a genuinely bad person. My actions and inactions have been bad. I did not consciously realize the effects of my actions for the space of several years, but does that really matter? I have noone to blame that on besides myself. I didn't consciously set out to damage and hurt the woman I love, but I did it just the same so am I not just as responsible as if I had done it intentionally? Years of words of mine not reinforced by actions have caused heavy damage on a woman who had already suffered far more physical and emotional abuse than anyone should ever have to endure, both from a parent and a former spouse. She told me that she doesn't think she can make it through this latest round and come out okay on the other side. Because of me.


When I arrive home this evening it will be as a loving, caring, unselfish, and generally decent person. The woman I love will be excited to see me, as will I be to see her. We plan on spending the rest of ours lives together, as we are so deeply in love and we make each other so happy. In this life I appear to be a genuinely good person. I have learned from my many mistakes, and I am adamant about not allowing myself to repeat them. The future looks very bright and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life with my love.


I wouldn't recommend leading a double-life to anyone. You hurt people you love, and you stress your poor brain out in the process.


My biggest mental dilemma right now? Trying to figure out which of these two people is the real me. Surely they can't both be the real me. Can they? I feel like the person I am in the second life is the real me. I feel like myself in this life. I look back at how I've acted in the first life and hate the way I've lived that life. I haven't felt like myself in that life for quite some time...but I did nothing to get out of it or change myself. How can I possibly be a good person if my actions in my first life have caused so much pain and hurt? That is the question I must find an answer to. It does not help knowing that before all is said and done in my first life I will be hurting the woman I love again - possibly quite deeply. I do not want to do this, but my actions that led to my second life now require it.

I've made a rather large mess out of my life. I just want everyone to be okay and to be happy, in spite of what I've done. If only I would have learned from some of my mistakes years ago, instead of months ago.

1 Comment

1. Anonymous on July 10, 2014 at 8:09 PM

   Yes you must revise and act on changing your life. i have had the misfortune of having my husband suicide as he could no longer cope with this double life, and we had been married for over 40 years. i believe it goes back to being sent to boarding school at aged 5 thereby never forming attachment to his mother thereby eventually developing an insatiable need for constant adoration from others, usually women but also men. in the end he was telling me i was too good for him and he wanted me to end my life with him.....believe me after he died and i discovered so much more i also felt like doing so but i could not put my kids through that again....let me tell you that the pain your wife feels is truly unimaginable, absolutely, the betrayal and deceit is indescribable.....you need to find a way to make yourself develop some self worth and self respect because you like my husband, obviously lack both, i hope your wife moves on without you, because i fear you are destined to continue to wreck havoc with other people's lives.