I guess posting from my phone doesn't work so well after all.

I wonder if I'm seeing ghosts. Not the shadowy white variety that float through the air, scaring some people and thrilling others, but the mental variety that trick you into believing things that are not real.

Recently I've developed some level of distrust in my newest relationship. I can't seem to put my finger on why this is - if she's given me reason to distrust her, or if - and I think this is more likely - it has to do with the fact that I was not remotely trustworthy at the end of my previous relationship. I know what I was capable of, and so I imagine everyone else is capable of the same things I did. I don't like feeling this way and I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying to get back to completely trusting her. I think the reason I hate the distrust so much is because of the ghosts. Without complete trust it is easy to imagine things, to imagine alternate reasons for actions and words, reasons that feed into that mistrust and elevate and magnify it. My mind can be my worst enemy at times, convincing me of all sorts of negative things that usually end up being untrue.

When I left home this morning I departed as an uncaring, cold-hearted, selfish, lying, adulterous, evil person. In the wee hours of the night/morning, in between sobs that consumed her entire being, the woman I love informed me that she thoroughly hates me and every fiber of my being and vowed that as long as she lives she will never, ever forgive me for what I have done to her. And she isn't even aware yet of the "adulterous" aspect. In this life I appear to be a genuinely bad person. My actions and inactions have been bad. I did not consciously realize the effects of my actions for the space of several years, but does that really matter? I have noone to blame that on besides myself. I didn't consciously set out to damage and hurt the woman I love, but I did it just the same so am I not just as responsible as if I had done it intentionally? Years of words of mine not reinforced by actions have caused heavy damage on a woman who had already suffered far more physical and emotional abuse than anyone should ever have to endure, both from a parent and a former spouse. She told me that she doesn't think she can make it through this latest round and come out okay on the other side. Because of me.


When I arrive home this evening it will be as a loving, caring, unselfish, and generally decent person. The woman I love will be excited to see me, as will I be to see her. We plan on spending the rest of ours lives together, as we are so deeply in love and we make each other so happy. In this life I appear to be a genuinely good person. I have learned from my many mistakes, and I am adamant about not allowing myself to repeat them. The future looks very bright and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life with my love.


I wouldn't recommend leading a double-life to anyone. You hurt people you love, and you stress your poor brain out in the process.


My biggest mental dilemma right now? Trying to figure out which of these two people is the real me. Surely they can't both be the real me. Can they? I feel like the person I am in the second life is the real me. I feel like myself in this life. I look back at how I've acted in the first life and hate the way I've lived that life. I haven't felt like myself in that life for quite some time...but I did nothing to get out of it or change myself. How can I possibly be a good person if my actions in my first life have caused so much pain and hurt? That is the question I must find an answer to. It does not help knowing that before all is said and done in my first life I will be hurting the woman I love again - possibly quite deeply. I do not want to do this, but my actions that led to my second life now require it.

I've made a rather large mess out of my life. I just want everyone to be okay and to be happy, in spite of what I've done. If only I would have learned from some of my mistakes years ago, instead of months ago.

...at me, right now. I claim to be a fairly intelligent person, but I just found out that I made a massively stupid decision not too long ago - one that will have very long-lasting consequences. Some good, some bad. Seems more bad than good right now. I'm sure my thinking will change as I learn to accept the consequences of my actions. Still in a bit of shock at the moment.

Edit: Clarification - the consequences seem mostly bad right now purely because of the timing of this decision/action. Ultimately, I think the consequences will be simply amazing and I'm going to try to approach my acceptation of this in that light. Sorry for being so cryptic.

I have decided that I will no longer be promising upcoming posts. I never follow through and provide the promised posts, so it's better if I just don't promise them. If I actually find time to write what I previously would have promised to write about, then I'll go ahead and post it. But I won't promise something that I intend to write but have not yet written.

I suppose it's only fitting that I should break promises made here, since I seem to do it all the time in real life.

Antibiotics hazardous to your health? Who knew?

Turns out there's a particular class of antibiotics that can be extremely hazardous to your health. My wife and I learned this the hard way this past week. It was much, much harder on her than it was on me though - she's the one whose health was affected - I was just consumed with worry. The class of drugs is fluoroquinolone antibiotics. The particular one that my wife was on is called Avelox. They're very powerful at killing bacteria, which is what you want an antibiotic to do. But, according to what I've read about them during the past week, they're also apparently extremely harsh on the healthy parts of your body, and can cause serious damage to your body, sometimes life-long damage. I'm working on a more detailed post that describes exactly what my wife went through, as well as some of the info that I've read about these drugs. Hope to have that up in the next day or two.

I just watched one of the most abysmal baseball games I've seen in awhile. The Detroit Tigers, 0-5 to start the 2008 season, hosted the Chicago White Sox on ESPN Sunday Night baseball. Detroit sent Justin Verlander, arguably the ace of their pitching staff, to the mound. More often than not, this would be enough to break a losing streak. Not this time, however. The White Sox are one of the few teams, if not the only team, that Verlander has had little success against in his career. Tonight was no exception. That, coupled with the horrible streak of bad playing and bad luck that the Tigers are mired in, resulted in a train wreck of a game. The White Sox shellacked the Tigers 13-2, completing the 3-game sweep, and sending the winless Tigers on the road to face Boston.