Well, I've made it to the end of yet another work day. No stimulants today. 5th day off of Xyrem. I did notice some more difference throughout the day in my level of sleepiness. It definitely appears to be returning to its old ways - ever so slowly.

Adding to the uncertainty of all of this is the fact that I am starting to slip back into being depressed about life in general. I know depression can cause a person to feel tired and sleepy and fatigued, so I suppose there's even the possibility that the sleepiness I'm noticing now is from being depressed and not from my Xyrem-free/stimulant-free body. Who knows. I don't think I'm all that depressed yet, so I'm fairly certain it is the N/IH and not depression. Time will tell.

I'm tired of feeling guilty.

I got a little more sleep last night - almost 7 hours. I noticed a difference when waking up this morning - I had a harder time waking up than I have been. This is pretty significant. Before I started taking Xyrem, waking up in the morning - or any other time - was an enormous struggle. My body would constantly be fighting me and trying to fall back asleep. I'd set multiple alarms for staggered times and either sleep right through them or turn them off in my sleep. Or I'd wake up just enough to hear the alarm and turn it off and then immediately fall back asleep. Trying to wake up was like trying to fight off a drugged state of sleep before the drugs have worn off. Once the Xyrem started helping me, I would wake up in the morning and actually feel relatively awake and I didn't have to worry about falling back asleep and fighting to stay awake. It was such a bizarre feeling for me at first. I got used to it pretty quickly though. This morning I was quickly falling back asleep after my alarms went off (still using a couple of staggered alarms, just to be safe). I wasn't as bad as I used to be, nowhere near like that. Each time I woke up enough that I think I would have been able to stay awake had I willed myself into doing so. I didn't want to though - I woke up feeling rather depressed, the bed was comfortable and warm, the room temperature was chilly, and I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. So I allowed myself to succumb to the sleepiness for about 45 minutes, waking up enough to hit snooze every few minutes, before finally making myself get out of bed and stay awake.

I didn't have any problems on the drive in to work. Since arriving at work I've been sleepy here and there, and a couple of times I've caught myself with my eyes closed, nearing the point of dozing off. So it would seem that with every passing day I'm getting closer and closer to the full-blown EDS symptoms of the past. I'm interested to see how the rest of this day goes.

It has now been 5 nights since I last took Xyrem. Last night I only got about 6 hours of sleep, because I stayed up later than I should have watching a couple of episodes of America's Got Talent and reading a few more pages of the book I'm currently reading. I have made it to the end of the workday today without taking any of my stimulant meds. I was quite sleepy during the day on a few occassions, and I considered taking my stimulant meds a couple of those times, but didn't actually take them. None of my sleepy episodes were anywhere near as bad as they used to get - and that was while I was taking a high amount of stimulants! I don't understand why my EDS (Excessive Daytime Sleepiness) hasn't reared its ugly head yet. The first two days off Xyrem didn't surprise me too much. I figured it would take a couple of days for my body to revert back to its old ways. But I expected it would happen gradually and noticeably and that by the 4th day I would really be struggling. It's not happening that way. The optimist in me is hoping I can continue this way for much longer - days or weeks, even. And the pessimist in me is expecting it to all come crashing down on the next day - expecting that I'll have to pump myself full of stimulants to stay awake and function during the day. We shall see!

I guess posting from my phone doesn't work so well after all.

I wonder if I'm seeing ghosts. Not the shadowy white variety that float through the air, scaring some people and thrilling others, but the mental variety that trick you into believing things that are not real.

Recently I've developed some level of distrust in my newest relationship. I can't seem to put my finger on why this is - if she's given me reason to distrust her, or if - and I think this is more likely - it has to do with the fact that I was not remotely trustworthy at the end of my previous relationship. I know what I was capable of, and so I imagine everyone else is capable of the same things I did. I don't like feeling this way and I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying to get back to completely trusting her. I think the reason I hate the distrust so much is because of the ghosts. Without complete trust it is easy to imagine things, to imagine alternate reasons for actions and words, reasons that feed into that mistrust and elevate and magnify it. My mind can be my worst enemy at times, convincing me of all sorts of negative things that usually end up being untrue.

When I left home this morning I departed as an uncaring, cold-hearted, selfish, lying, adulterous, evil person. In the wee hours of the night/morning, in between sobs that consumed her entire being, the woman I love informed me that she thoroughly hates me and every fiber of my being and vowed that as long as she lives she will never, ever forgive me for what I have done to her. And she isn't even aware yet of the "adulterous" aspect. In this life I appear to be a genuinely bad person. My actions and inactions have been bad. I did not consciously realize the effects of my actions for the space of several years, but does that really matter? I have noone to blame that on besides myself. I didn't consciously set out to damage and hurt the woman I love, but I did it just the same so am I not just as responsible as if I had done it intentionally? Years of words of mine not reinforced by actions have caused heavy damage on a woman who had already suffered far more physical and emotional abuse than anyone should ever have to endure, both from a parent and a former spouse. She told me that she doesn't think she can make it through this latest round and come out okay on the other side. Because of me.


When I arrive home this evening it will be as a loving, caring, unselfish, and generally decent person. The woman I love will be excited to see me, as will I be to see her. We plan on spending the rest of ours lives together, as we are so deeply in love and we make each other so happy. In this life I appear to be a genuinely good person. I have learned from my many mistakes, and I am adamant about not allowing myself to repeat them. The future looks very bright and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life with my love.


I wouldn't recommend leading a double-life to anyone. You hurt people you love, and you stress your poor brain out in the process.


My biggest mental dilemma right now? Trying to figure out which of these two people is the real me. Surely they can't both be the real me. Can they? I feel like the person I am in the second life is the real me. I feel like myself in this life. I look back at how I've acted in the first life and hate the way I've lived that life. I haven't felt like myself in that life for quite some time...but I did nothing to get out of it or change myself. How can I possibly be a good person if my actions in my first life have caused so much pain and hurt? That is the question I must find an answer to. It does not help knowing that before all is said and done in my first life I will be hurting the woman I love again - possibly quite deeply. I do not want to do this, but my actions that led to my second life now require it.

I've made a rather large mess out of my life. I just want everyone to be okay and to be happy, in spite of what I've done. If only I would have learned from some of my mistakes years ago, instead of months ago.