I've accepted that I have narcolepsy (or idiopathic hypersomnia, whichever it may be); that's not the problem. The problem is that I think I can take my drugs every day and then live like nothing was wrong with me - which roughly translates into typically not getting enough sleep for a normal person, let alone a person with narcolepsy. I'll routinely go to bed at midnight or later - lately it's been later more often that not - then get up at 6 or 6:30 in the morning. I'm averaging probably around 5 or 5.5 hours of sleep per night. I really feel like it's been catching up to me lately.
I take two different medications to keep me awake enough to work, drive, etc. One is generic Ritalin; the other is essentially the same thing but in an extended release version. Since I started taking these particular medications my prescriptions have been to take 3 of each per day - spread throughout the day, not all at once. For quite some time I didn't take the full dose of both drugs each day. Many days I could get by on just 2 of each pill. Some days I would need 2 of one and 3 of the other. Fairly recently I got to where I had to take all 3 of each pill to make it through the day/evening. Very recently there have been days where I've had to exceed my dosage - 4 pills of one drug, 3 of the other - if not 4 of both.
I know that these medications are of the type that your body grows accustomed to over time, meaning that the effects of a particular dosage will diminish over time as your body gets used to it. I've known that for a long time, and it worries me when I allow myself to think about the long-term effects of that. I think it's possible that this effect might be partially responsible for the increased dosage I've had to take recently. But I don't believe it's fully responsible. The increase in dosage required seems a little too sudden for that to be the only explanation.
Then there's the aspect of the side-effects of these medications. More on that in later posts, but let's just say that feeling somewhat awake comes with a price. So taking a higher dosage of the drugs in one day also increases the negative side effects. Great fun.
So why do I keep running on too little sleep? Because I'm in denial about the fact that, even with my medications, I still need to adjust my living habits. Instead of being a responsible adult and taking myself to bed when I need to, I'll convince myself that it's okay to stay up for awhile longer - even if there's nothing important that I have to do. Some nights recently this has resulted in me attempting to use the computer when I'm minimally awake, wobbling in and out of sleep, and feeling like I've been drugged, only to wake up some time later slumped over the keyboard having accomplished absolutely nothing on the computer.
I like to think that I'm a mature adult, but inside I know I'm far from it. From matters like these, to other areas of my life where I am significantly lacking in responsibility, to the problems in my marriage, and so much more - I'm a poor excuse for a mature, responsible adult.
Admitting that you have a problem is half the battle, or so they say. Or is it 3/4 of the battle? I don't know. Whatever it is, it doesn't apply to me. I know what most of my problems are. That's the easy part for me. The hard part is actually motivating myself to follow through on changing what I need to change to resolve those problems.
I'm hoping that forcing myself to talk about some of these problems here, even if nobody but myself reads this, will help me in motivating myself to fix them. Life is too short to keep dealing with the same problems all the time.
