Book review: Where is God?, by Dr. John Townsend

Where Is God?: Finding His Presence, Purpose and Power in Difficult Times gives some excellent advice on how to draw closer to God during the difficult times in your life. During these hard times many people wonder if God really does care about them, if He really is aware of their struggles, and how a loving God can allow great heartache and tragedy. This book answers those questions.

I started reading this book shortly after my infant son passed away. Thanks to some godly advice from a pastor in our church I didn’t struggle immensely with many of the "Where is God?" types of questions during this very difficult time. I did, however, wrestle with the "Why us?" question. "Why did we have to lose our child?" While the book didn’t give me a concrete answer to that question (and I never expected it to!), it did encourage me to draw even closer to God during this difficult time. The book is easy to read, with quite a few examples from the author’s life to help explain different concepts. I especially liked the final chapter, "Nuts and Bolts", because it discusses how to incorporate "time with God" into your life without it becoming just another task to check off on your to-do list.

Knowing that the book was written by a Christian psychologist, I was curious to see how much of the book was built on the Bible, and not just on psychology theories. I was glad to see that Dr. Townsend’s writings are very strongly based on Biblical truths. He references quite a few Bible verses throughout the book to help explain and reinforce his points. If you’re a Christian with a close, personal relationship with God then you probably won’t glean a lot of new insight from this book. I think the book is best suited for new or struggling Christians, or even non-believers.

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

1 Comment | Posted by Jesse
Tags: book review, God, reading

Driving under the influence...

...of sleep.

Last night I was reading through some messages that a friend and I had sent each other approximately one year ago. (That friend has since become my wife!) In one of those messages I said "wow....i just conked out for a minute sitting at the computer -no warning at all." This prompted her to ask, "What happens when you're driving and there's no warning?" I responded with an explanation of how I justified my driving at that time. Reading it last night brought back a lot of memories.

It really wasn't all that safe for me to drive back then, in my pre-Xyrem days. A significant portion of the time I was on the road I was so groggy that my reaction time was surely dangerougly slow. I'd go into automatic behavior mode a fair amount of the time - I'd snap out of it at some point during my trip to realize that I had absolutely no recollection of any of the last 10, 20, 30 minutes of my trip. I'd try various things to keep me awake while driving, because most of the time the stimulant meds I was taking weren't enough. I'd try to supplement the stimulants with energy drinks, trying one after another of the many varieties that are out there. Unfortunately, caffeine has never really affected me the way it does most people, so the energy drinks were typically just a waste of money. I searched for other ways to help me stay awake behind the wheel. Music I hated. Music I loved. Upbeat, energetic music that I felt like dancing to. Cold temps (heat off, windows down in the winter). Hot temps (heater cranked way up). Talking to myself. Singing. Nothing ever really worked. I was constantly yawning while driving back and forth on the hour-long drive between work and home. Sometimes I'd experience micro-sleeps - falling asleep instantly with no warning, waking up moments later. Many times I'd wake up still in the right lane on the road. Some times I'd wake up when I drifted onto the rumble strips on the side of the highway - those things saved my life on more than a few occassions. A couple of times I woke up partly on the other side of the highway - thankfully never when there was opposing traffic occupying the same section of road as I was. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't safe for me to drive then, but I justified it for different reasons. God was surely watching over me when I was on the road back then. It seems rather incredible to me now that I never got in an accident from falling asleep. Well, I shouldn't say never. I did lose control of a vehicle on a super-icy freeway in the middle of the night one night a few years ago. I told everyone I hadn't fallen asleep at the wheel - which I honestly believed - but the more I thought about it I realized I couldn't remember anything from the few seconds preceding the crash, which leads me to believe I may have fallen asleep after all.

I don't miss those days one bit. I never would have admitted it then, but deep down I was terrified of falling asleep at the wheel and getting in a bad accident and hurting myself or someone else. The Xyrem helps me so much that I don't have to deal with any of those issues any more while driving. I can hop in the car - free of stimulants, energy drinks, and anything similar - and drive for an hour or more without having to worry about dozing off a single time. Yes, I do still occasionally get mildly sleepy when driving - but never to the point where I'm worried about falling asleep.

By the way, this isn't an advertisement for Xyrem! :-) Hmm - maybe I *should* contact Jazz Phamaceuticals and ask if they'll pay me for endorsements!

3 comments | Posted by Jesse
Tags: driving, narcolepsy, Xyrem

Babies, Xyrem, and Ambien

(Note: Lest the post title confuse anyone, this post is not about babies taking Xyrem and Ambien. The first part of the post is about babies. The second part is about Ambien and Xyrem.)

I took my car to the local dealership this afternoon to get an oil change and have them look at an intermittent problem I’ve been having with the radio display. I checked Facebook on my phone about an hour into the wait and saw a post from WOOD TV-8 that linked to an article with a headline of “Dead newborn in trash; mom charged”. This instantly got me sad, mad, and perplexed. I still struggle with the “Why?” questions and reading that story got me started asking them again. Why was our son born brain-dead and thus could not live, while this other infant was very probably born relatively healthy and would have lived had his mother loved him and cared for him properly. (Yes, I’m making some assumptions about this mother and her baby – assumptions that might not be correct.) It just doesn’t seem fair. We loved our son sooooo much and had a nice warm home for him with loving siblings…and we couldn’t keep him. And all across the country – the world, even – mothers give birth to babies that are unwanted, unloved, unimportant to any human beings that should care about them….and so many of them die as a result.

A few minutes after reading that article, a young woman entered the dealership waiting room carrying a baby in a car seat. She struck up a conversation about babies with another woman in the waiting room and at one point she said, “I like babies as long as they’re somebody elses, as long as I can give them back at the end of the day and not have to deal with the crying and fussing.” I’ve heard other people say that in the past, and thought I understood their point of view. My view has definitely changed. I would gladly “deal” with my son’s crying and fussing if I could just have him back. So many people seemingly take their children for granted, and don’t realize how easily and quickly they could lose them. Love your children, be grateful for them, thank the Lord for them, hug them, and tell them that you love them.

~~~

I spoke with my sleep doctor recently about my narcolepsy medication. I’ve been taking Xyrem for almost a year now. It works remarkably well for me, but it’s also extremely expensive – even with insurance. My copay for a one month supply is almost $400. Thankfully I can take the Xyrem only half as often as prescribed and it still works very well. That brings the monthly cost down to just under $200 – much better, but still very expensive. The way Xyrem works is that it affects how I sleep at night. It helps me get a better quality sleep than I do when I sleep un-medicated. I started wondering if a different type of sleeping medication might give me similar benefits for a much lower cost. I asked my sleep doctor about replacing Xyrem with Ambien to see if that would help me any. She was very sympathetic to my concerns with the Xyrem cost and said she was willing to prescribe Ambien for me to try. I tried it for about a week, and was disappointed that it did not help. Not only did it not help my daytime sleepiness, it also didn’t even seem to help me sleep at night. I’d sleep okay for about 3-4 hours after taking the Ambien, but then the rest of the night I’d wake up every 30-45 minutes. I sleep better than that when I don’t take any sleeping medication at all!!! I was really disappointed that it didn’t work, because a one-month supply only cost me around $15. I’d much prefer paying $15 a month than $200!! Xyrem is just ridiculously priced. The full retail price of a typical one-month prescription for me is over $1,900. Thankfully my insurance covers a good chunk of it, but there’s still a hefty co-pay for me to take care of. Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth as much as I pay for it.

2 comments | Posted by Jesse
Tags: Ambien, baby, feelings, grief, narcolepsy, Xyrem

Memories

Uriah died when he was two days old. I wonder a lot if it would be any different if he had lived for two weeks or two months. Would it hurt more? Would our sense of loss be even greater than it is? It doesn't seem like that is even possible, but I can't help but wonder. Are the pain and sense of loss somehow proportionate to the amount of time you had with your child and the number of memories you made with him or her? If Uriah had lived for two weeks would we miss him even more than we already do? It seems to me that it might be even harder if he had lived longer.

I certainly wouldn't want this to be any harder for my wife and me, but I would gladly accept it if it meant we could have had more time with Uriah. When I think of and remember how few memories we have of our time with Uriah I feel sad, bewildered, and angry. We were by his side a lot during those precious couple of days, and I'm eternally grateful for that little bit of time we had with him. To be painfully honest though, there's only so much I can remember because the entire time he laid in the NICU bed not moving or making a sound. He didn't cry, fuss, or wiggle around. I had my son for those two days, but really, I didn't. His body was there the entire time, but he wasn't. I got to know what my son looked like - and he was beautiful!! - but I didn't get to know him. I feel like I was robbed. I have no memory of my son crying. I have no memory of my son waving his arms. I have no memory of my son kicking his little legs. I have no memory of my son smiling. I have no memory of my son opening his eyes. Those are all memories that I would have treasured for the rest of my life, but I wasn't even allowed to have those, the most basic of memories that a parent can have of their baby.

One of my Facebook friends connected me with a cousin of hers who had lost his infant son. She thought that us talking to each other might help us both in the healing process. I think she may be right and I'm glad she put us in touch with each other. The father and mother created a blog for their son and on it they talked a lot about his triumphs and struggles in the hospital. They had almost two months with their precious son before he passed away. The first time I looked at their blog I was heartbroken as I read their story and saw the pictures of their son. I looked at it again tonight and, while I was still heartbroken for them, I found I was now feeling jealous of them. They have memories of their son that I would give anything to have of my son. They saw him smile, they heard him cry, they saw him move around, they saw him open his eyes, and more. I know they miss their son as much as I miss mine, but I'm jealous of the memories they have of him. Is that wrong? It feels wrong. Being jealous of other parents certainly won't help the healing process along, that's for sure. I suppose there are many, many parents who are jealous of the two days that we had with our son, which I now completely understand.

I hope I will never forget the precious memories I have of my son. I'm thankful for every single one of them, but there's just soooo few of them. :-(

2 comments | Posted by Jesse
Tags: baby, feelings, grief, loss, memories

Blessed Be Your Name

The song, Blessed Be Your Name, is one of the praise songs that is sometimes used as a congregational song during the Sunday morning service at our church. I had never heard it before we started attending the church a few months ago. I liked the song the first time I heard it, but it didn't really have any significant personal meaning for me. Over the past two weeks the song has taken on a whole new meaning for my wife and me. It's easy to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" when everything in life is going well, but it's a different story when the hard times hit. The Sunday after Uriah died this was one of the congregational songs in the morning. I was singing along, not really thinking ahead to the upcoming words, when the line "You give and take away" appeared on the lyrics screen. I took a breath and tried to keep singing but the words got stuck in my throat as I suddenly realized that the line had an intensely personal meaning for me now. The Lord gave us a son...and then He took him away. I cannot explain how badly I want my son back, but I know the Lord does not make mistakes and so I seek comfort in knowing that God allowed this to happen for a reason. It's very difficult though. I don't know what the reason was, so I ask, "Why?" No answer though. Perhaps, as my wife mentioned in her recent blog post, it was the devil trying to get us to walk away from God again. Whatever the reason was, I pray that God will somehow be glorified through our great loss. Thus far we have drawn closer to God and to each other during this time. I pray that we will continue to have that type of response, and not turn away from God or get angry or bitter at Him. I know we still have many family and friends who are praying for us, and we treasure all of those prayers immensely.

"...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

3 comments | Posted by Jesse
Tags: baby, church, God, grief, loss, prayer

Why I believe that Uriah is in heaven

A couple of days ago a friend asked me if my son was baptized before he died. When I told him he wasn’t he asked how I knew my son was in heaven if he hadn’t been baptized with holy water before passing away. I knew that I believed my son was in heaven but suddenly realized that I wasn’t entirely sure why I believed that or that I could explain it to another person. I’ve since spent some time thinking about the question, looking up some Bible verses, and talking with my wife about it. I decided to write down why I believe my son is in heaven and then post it here on my blog.

The Bible doesn’t really talk about this issue directly, but it does give us some clues that we use as the basis for our belief.

God desires that all people be saved.

For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth. (I Timothy 2:3-4)

Nevertheless, many people reject the grace of God and the gift of salvation that He offers them.

God cares deeply about little children. In Matthew chapter 18 Jesus calls a little child over to Him and uses the child to explain a few things to His disciples. In verse 14 He says, “Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.”

To accept God’s gift of salvation a person needs to have understanding of a few concepts, namely those of sin, God’s perfectness, and God’s grace. If a person does not understand what sin is, and that they themselves are a sinner, and that God has offered them the gift of eternal life through Jesus, then they cannot make the decision to accept God’s gift.

As infants are not mature enough to understand these things, they cannot accept or reject God. Since they haven’t rejected God and we know God cares deeply about them we then believe that God takes them to heaven when they die.

There is one example in the Bible that seems to back this up, and it is found in II Samuel chapter 12. After David’s child had died, he said the following:

...While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live?

But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (II Samuel 12:22-23)

David believed that he would join his son some day, and this could only happen if his infant son had gone to heaven.

I am confident that my son, Uriah, is in heaven and I am looking forward to the day when I will join him in that blessed place.

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)

1 Comment | Posted by Jesse
Tags: baby, Bible, death, God, heaven, Jesus, salvation

Uriah

I've been trying to figure out what to say in this, my next blog post, for a week now. I was hoping the right words would just come to me and I would know exactly what to say, how to say it, that my thoughts would just flow into words as easily as they used to some years ago. It hasn't happened. So here, instead, are the facts. Perhaps I can get some of my thoughts out after putting down the facts.

My son, Uriah Daniel Olson, was born on January 3, 2010.

He died on January 5, 2010.

His body looked absolutely perfect. He was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. He was wonderful. Inside his perfect body was a damaged brain. Some time in the days immediately preceding his birth something happened that deprived his brain of oxygen and it killed his brain. He was born with no brain activity. Two days of testing confirmed this, and so on the third day of his life he was removed from the respirator and shortly thereafter slipped away to Heaven as his mother and I cradled him in our arms.

This wasn't supposed to happen. We didn't plan for this. We tried to plan for all sorts of other negative outcomes - Down Syndrome, autism, pre-term labor, and so on. But this, a healthy full-term baby born brain-dead - how do you plan for something like that? The possibility never crossed our minds for even a fraction of a second.

I miss my little Uriah. I miss him immensely. I want to hold him in my arms again. I want to kiss him. I want to watch him grow. I want to sing to him. I want to rock him to sleep. I want to talk to him. I want to tell him about Jesus' great love for us. I want to watch him take his first steps. I want to play with him. I want to hear him say his first words.

I rejoice that Uriah never knew pain on this earth, and that the first time he opened his eyes it was to see Jesus. I know I will see him again some day. Until then, we continue on, leaning heavily on the Lord and the prayers of our family and friends to help us through the pain, grief, and sorrow that we feel.

2 comments | Posted by Jesse
Tags: baby, grief, Jesus, loss

Book review: Where is God?, by Dr. John Townsend

Driving under the influence...

Babies, Xyrem, and Ambien

Memories

Blessed Be Your Name

Why I believe that Uriah is in heaven

Uriah

Revising My Life

About Me

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