Uriah died when he was two days old. I wonder a lot if it would be any different if he had lived for two weeks or two months. Would it hurt more? Would our sense of loss be even greater than it is? It doesn't seem like that is even possible, but I can't help but wonder. Are the pain and sense of loss somehow proportionate to the amount of time you had with your child and the number of memories you made with him or her? If Uriah had lived for two weeks would we miss him even more than we already do? It seems to me that it might be even harder if he had lived longer.

I certainly wouldn't want this to be any harder for my wife and me, but I would gladly accept it if it meant we could have had more time with Uriah. When I think of and remember how few memories we have of our time with Uriah I feel sad, bewildered, and angry. We were by his side a lot during those precious couple of days, and I'm eternally grateful for that little bit of time we had with him. To be painfully honest though, there's only so much I can remember because the entire time he laid in the NICU bed not moving or making a sound. He didn't cry, fuss, or wiggle around. I had my son for those two days, but really, I didn't. His body was there the entire time, but he wasn't. I got to know what my son looked like - and he was beautiful!! - but I didn't get to know him. I feel like I was robbed. I have no memory of my son crying. I have no memory of my son waving his arms. I have no memory of my son kicking his little legs. I have no memory of my son smiling. I have no memory of my son opening his eyes. Those are all memories that I would have treasured for the rest of my life, but I wasn't even allowed to have those, the most basic of memories that a parent can have of their baby.

One of my Facebook friends connected me with a cousin of hers who had lost his infant son. She thought that us talking to each other might help us both in the healing process. I think she may be right and I'm glad she put us in touch with each other. The father and mother created a blog for their son and on it they talked a lot about his triumphs and struggles in the hospital. They had almost two months with their precious son before he passed away. The first time I looked at their blog I was heartbroken as I read their story and saw the pictures of their son. I looked at it again tonight and, while I was still heartbroken for them, I found I was now feeling jealous of them. They have memories of their son that I would give anything to have of my son. They saw him smile, they heard him cry, they saw him move around, they saw him open his eyes, and more. I know they miss their son as much as I miss mine, but I'm jealous of the memories they have of him. Is that wrong? It feels wrong. Being jealous of other parents certainly won't help the healing process along, that's for sure. I suppose there are many, many parents who are jealous of the two days that we had with our son, which I now completely understand.

I hope I will never forget the precious memories I have of my son. I'm thankful for every single one of them, but there's just soooo few of them. :-(

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

A couple of days ago a friend asked me if my son was baptized before he died. When I told him he wasn’t he asked how I knew my son was in heaven if he hadn’t been baptized with holy water before passing away. I knew that I believed my son was in heaven but suddenly realized that I wasn’t entirely sure why I believed that or that I could explain it to another person. I’ve since spent some time thinking about the question, looking up some Bible verses, and talking with my wife about it. I decided to write down why I believe my son is in heaven and then post it here on my blog.

The Bible doesn’t really talk about this issue directly, but it does give us some clues that we use as the basis for our belief.

God desires that all people be saved.

For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth. (I Timothy 2:3-4)

Nevertheless, many people reject the grace of God and the gift of salvation that He offers them.

God cares deeply about little children. In Matthew chapter 18 Jesus calls a little child over to Him and uses the child to explain a few things to His disciples. In verse 14 He says, “Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.”

To accept God’s gift of salvation a person needs to have understanding of a few concepts, namely those of sin, God’s perfectness, and God’s grace. If a person does not understand what sin is, and that they themselves are a sinner, and that God has offered them the gift of eternal life through Jesus, then they cannot make the decision to accept God’s gift.

As infants are not mature enough to understand these things, they cannot accept or reject God. Since they haven’t rejected God and we know God cares deeply about them we then believe that God takes them to heaven when they die.

There is one example in the Bible that seems to back this up, and it is found in II Samuel chapter 12. After David’s child had died, he said the following:

...While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live?

But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (II Samuel 12:22-23)

David believed that he would join his son some day, and this could only happen if his infant son had gone to heaven.

I am confident that my son, Uriah, is in heaven and I am looking forward to the day when I will join him in that blessed place.

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)